Many health professionals gauge the death of a spouse as one of the most traumatic events a person will face in their lifetime. Yet, the impact of grief is not something for which one can prepare, even when the death is anticipated.
NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH
Despite the fact that death is inevitable for each and every one of us, an enormous amount of misinformation exists about grief. Expectations of others often cause more pain, by making a widow feel that there is something wrong with her. Yet, with awareness comes understanding and compassion.
Those who have never experienced the loss of a spouse often incorrectly believe that grief should be over by the end of a year. However, there is not a “correct” way to respond to loss; we each grieve in our own personal and unique way.
SOME OF THE THINGS YOU MAY OBSERVE HAPPENING TO HER
- During stressful events catecholamines suppress activity in areas of the brain that affect short-term memory, concentration, inhibition, behavior and rational thought, making simple tasks difficult. Overwhelmed and exhausted from all the changes to her life her normal coping abilities may be overtaxed and she may have difficulty remembering how to get to the grocery store. Sleep difficulties, appetite changes and a lack of physical well-being are common. It is not unusual to feel depleted psychologically, socially, physically, and financially. Although unable to think clearly, she must immediately begin making important financial and legal decisions which can be impossible to reverse later on.
- The death of her husband is different from any experience she has ever known. His death brings to an end the hopes, plans, dreams, and goals they had shared; the loss of her relationship as a wife, her role as best friend, confidant, cook, co-parent, travel companion along with the security that he’d always be there for her. This can lead to spiritual distress.
- The circumstance of her husband’s death often has a profound influence on her grief and mourning, which are reflected in her behaviors and physical health. A sudden death with no opportunity to say good-bye may leave her feeling disbelief, guilt or abandonment. She may obsessively review events that led up to his passing in an attempt to determine responsibility, if she believes that her husband’s death was preventable.
- Having little interest in things that she enjoyed in the past, she may now respond differently than she did before.
- She is compelled to put on a brave act at work, after being put on probation for her job performance, yet, upon arriving home she collapses in a sobbing heap inside the front door .
In addition to sadness she may experience distress, helplessness and fear. Understanding, kindness and support are ways to help her as she walks through this extremely painful process. Providing hope and encouragement celebrates God’s love and grace for us all.
The period of time and the experiences she goes through, as she grasps the reality and adapts to the absence of her husband, is called mourning. In shock, she doesn’t know what is needed when first asked. As she becomes aware of what help she desperately needs she won’t ask as she doesn’t want to be a burden on others.
“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention.” – Kahlil Gibran
“Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” – Scott Adams
- She needs to talk about him; to laugh and enjoy memories of this important part of her life. Sharing memories with her, that she can hold in her heart, can provide comfort that he has not been forgotten. Celebrating his life on the anniversary of his passing, can turn a sad day into something to look forward to, as family and friends gather for something such as a balloon release or planting a memory tree. Valentine’s Day is also a wonderful opportunity to do something for her to remind her that she is not alone.
- A warm hug. Research shows human touch has wide-ranging physical and emotional benefits for people of all age groups. Touch lessens pain, lowers blood glucose and improves both pulmonary and immune function.
- It is important that she eats nourishing foods. Due to lack of finances or no longer having someone with whom to share a meal, she may not eat nutritious foods, which can lead to malnutrition. A deficiency in vitamins and minerals can masquerade in a number of different ways, for example a deficiency in either vitamin B12 or vitamin D3, is associated with falls and many other conditions that people assume are simply a sign of aging. Signs of a B12 deficiency might show up as one or more of the following: cataracts, macular degeneration, essential tremors, cognitive impairment, chronic fatigue syndrome, sleep disturbances, suppressed immune system, psychiatric illness (clinical depression, bipolar disorder, dementia, schizophrenia and anxiety disorders which may include changes in mood, personality, personal habits and/or social withdrawal) to neurologic problems such as multiple sclerosis (MS) or Parkinson’s disease. (Note that to be effective, B12 requires folate, not to be confused with folic acid.)
OTHER LOSSES SHE MAY EXPERIENCE
Grief is the feeling when reaching out to someone who has always been there, to discover the person is gone. While grieving the loss of her husband she experiences additional losses, each bringing its own grief and need for mourning.
LOSS OF FRIENDS Intensifying her grief is the unexpected loss of long time friends. In the midst of a crying jag when friends call, she may not answer the phone. Assuming that she doesn’t want to be bothered, calls eventually stop and friends and family no longer offer the support as they had earlier. She is no longer included in couples activities and avoided by those who don’t know what to say or do. Studies show that a widow loses 75% of those she believed were friends. Depression and loneliness make grief worse.
“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” – Mother Teresa
LOSS OF INCOME Grief is often compounded by financial decline. In many cases, if the widow’s husband had a pension, it stops with his passing. Often Social Security is the couples main (or only) source of income, yet one benefit goes away at the death of one of them. Since there is no minimum Social Security amount, a funeral can be financially devastating when there is no life insurance. A death notice in the paper may be an expense she can’t afford, leaving many, who might have offered a kind word in comfort, unaware of her loss. She may experience the loss of her home because she cannot afford to live there anymore.
A leak from the garbage disposal and a call to the plumber can be devastating. Gasoline to go to the doctor or church, a book of postage stamps to pay bills or a small gift for a grandchild’s birthday is a hardship, when struggling to make ends meet. An invitation to a potluck may be declined, when there isn’t extra money to buy a cake mix. Shamed and embarrassed she will do her best to keep you from knowing how bad things are.
HOW THESE LOSSES AFFECT HER
Attempting to navigate this sad journey alone, the deep emotional pain of feeling forgotten is devastating. Loss of friends, her identity as someone’s wife and a lack of finances, along with the stigma of being labeled a “widow” has a profound effect on her sense of self-esteem. Experiencing the pain of being forgotten and isolated with no community to rely on, believing that she is the only one in her situation, often a widow will feel like a misfit. Not knowing what to do with her life now, she may simply withdraw; moving from heading up volunteer committees at church and singing in the choir, to sitting on a back pew and eventually slipping out the door. At times, she may wonder if there is any point of going on.
Only someone who has experienced the loss of a spouse can understand the depth and breadth of the acute grief her heart is going through as she is forced to adjust to life without him. Other widows understand what a widow can’t verbalize and can provide reassurance with concerns such as:
- There is no correct (or incorrect) way to grieve, as each of us grieve in our own unique way. She should not compare her experiences with those of others because a widow’s grief is very different from others who have also loved and lost him.
- Grief often lasts longer than a year, yet no matter how long it takes, grieving is essential to the healing process. Attempting to present a brave facade, by suppressing emotion, can have long-term destructive consequences that manifest as physical symptoms.
- If, during his illness, she had prayed for respite and relief, wanting his suffering to be over, she may feel guilt if she doesn’t understand that it is completely normal, as no one wants to see a loved one suffer.
- Certain experiences, events, and occasions (i.e. a graduation, or a grandchild) will resurrect memories or feelings and his absence will trigger grief, because there is no closure where the heart and mind are involved.
- Displaying a photograph of her late husband is absolutely acceptable.
- The first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the first Valentine’s Day, etc without him can be difficult. The couples wedding anniversary and holidays are extremely hard, with Valentine’s Day one of the most painful, as advertisements everywhere are a constant reminder that her sweetheart is gone.
- A “widows only” group is different from other “grief groups” and more helpful as widows will open up to others going down the same path.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27 (NIV)
©Tulsage 2016 _______________________________________________________________________________________
Be sure to read What The Widowed Won’t Tell You But Wish You Knew
More about widows and widowers.
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Permission is granted for the above to be used by others, provided proper credit is given to tulsage.wordpress.com.
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A Simple Act of Kindness 
Many churches think they are helping when, in reality, they haven’t a clue what a widow needs.
Check out these two links:
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I am not widowed but I am aware that there are numerous passages found in the Bible about taking care widows, such as:
Funeral homes should be passing out copies of this information, to family and friends at the service when someone becomes widowed.
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What they are doing in Duncan, OK monthly for widows May God Bless these compassionate ladies.
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Timothy 5 tell us
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Did you know that:
Encouraging a lonely person to visit the local senior center can backfire.
Loneliness creates pain as real as any caused by a physical injury.
Loneliness heightens inflammation that can shorten one’s life.
Isolation from hearing loss puts someone two to three times more likely to develop depression, anxiety, and dementia.
The physical touch of another human causes a surge of positive emotion in both the giver and the receiver
Loneliness carries a stigma that sufferers feel implies that they are a social failure.
Social connections that prevent isolation are built by helping others (volunteering).
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Our earliest ancestors were vulnerable to attack from hungry predators when they were alone. Loneliness puts the body in a stressful state of high alert to protect us by prompting us to get to the safety of a group.
A lonely person lives at such an elevated level of alarm that, while desiring to connect with others, their brain unconsciously misreads a facial expression or tone of voice — misinterpreting curiosity as hatred, for instance. Erroneously interpreting benign comments as negative they may perceive someone as a threat. A distorted view of reality can make them suspicious and fearful of meeting new people. None of us get what we need simply from the mere presence of other people thus, encouraging lonely people to visit the local senior center can backfire. In a mistaken attempt at self-protection they may isolate themselves further sending out signals of disinterest or even hostility, which causes others to withdraw from them and producing a prolonged kind of loneliness.
Loneliness heightens inflammation and inflammation increases sensitivity to negative social experiences further magnifying loneliness. Ongoing inflammation can lead to tissue breakdown and impairment of the immune system. That, in turn, can shorten one’s life as it increases our susceptibility to conditions ranging from heart disease to Alzheimer’s. When the unyielding longing within in each of us for social connection with others is not met the consequences of mental and physical health put people, especially older adults, at risk for dementia, depression and at increased risk of an early death.
The intense feeling of rejection, disconnection and longing that loneliness produces a pain as real as any caused by a physical injury. Researchers used computers to monitor brain activity as computer ‘players’ tossed the ball to human volunteers. When the computerized player stopped tossing the ball to the subjects the feelings of those excluded showed increasing activity in the regions of the brain involved with physical pain. The more rejected the volunteer players felt, the more “social pain” their brains registered. Social connections are as important to a healthy lifestyle, as diet and exercise.
Research shows that the physical touch of another human produces oxytocin the ‘happy’ hormone which causes a surge of positive emotion in both the giver and the receiver. Oxytocin counters the effects of cortisol, the stress hormone that is linked to a higher risk of type 2 diabetes, heart disease weight gain and certain cancers. Oxytocin known as is delivered to both the giver and the receiver via a hug, a pat on the back, or a hand on the shoulder, causing a surge of positive emotion, plays a role in social interactions and bonding.
There is no single cause for loneliness. The discrepancy between what one needs from relationships and what they actually receive can come from multiple sources. An elderly person, living in a sparse apartment in an isolated location who, having suffered through the loss of a spouse and close friends and hasn’t spoken to anyone for days can be chronically lonely. People with a lower income are often at greater risk due to not having the extra money to participate in a potluck dinner. Hearing loss, failing eyesight and physical limitations can keep them isolated, with television their only link to the outside world there is no social connection… There are others who feel disconnected even though they are a member of a close-knit family.
People with hearing loss are two to three times as likely to develop depression, anxiety, and dementia. Hearing aids, which can improve a person’s ability to hear may reduce these risks, plus fall-related injuries. Those wearing hearing aids may be better educated or socialize more, both of which are associated with a reduced risk of dementia. Yet, while about 40 million Americans have some type of hearing loss only 12 percent of people under age 69 use hearing aids, even if they have insurance to help cover the cost.
Loneliness carries a stigma that sufferers feel implies in some way that they are a social failure. Calling it ‘social connection, rather than loneliness helps to remove some of the stigma.
Our survival depends on our collective well-being. Simple kindness from others may help reduce inflammation and help lonely people feel a bit less disconnected from others. Often in rural communities neighbors, and others such as the grocery cashier, bank teller and mail carrier know and look out for each other, which can keep the lonely from feeling isolated.
We crave shared life experiences and acknowledgment that we exist
Social connections can be built and isolation ended by (volunteering) which helps each of us to thrive.
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Connect2Affect.org lets you evaluate isolation risk for someone you know, who may seem lonely and disengaged by providing suggestions for practical ways to help them reconnect to the community.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), helps people become aware of behavioral patterns which reinforce distorted thinking. CBT has been used to engage soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan by teaching them, for example, to look up from their cellphones and talk with the people around them.
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Social isolation can result in negative health outcomes, higher health care costs, longer hospital stays even death.
Credit some of the above to what we learned by reading: https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2019/medical-cure-for-loneliness.html
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Widowhood is an important, yet common life event that requires a significant amount of adjustment. Despite literature emphasising the eventual resilience of women [3], where they generally adjust well and continue to live fulfilling lives, there is evidence that the early bereavement period (the first 2 years following death of the husband) carries with is several risks to health, social, and economic wellbeing [4].
A review of health outcomes of recently bereaved people found early increased health risks including increased hospitalisation, medication use, changed eating habits, living arrangements, and social relationships [5]. Moreover, recently widowed older women have increased rates of hospitalisation [6]. Women are faced with increased health risks and chronic conditions associated not only with bereavement, but also, middle and older age. Older women have higher rates of severe disability and this continues as they age. Increases in depression, anxiety, and loneliness [7,8] have also been reported. Many older women live alone upon spousal bereavement [9]; an arrangement that may impact on their daily routines, ability to self-manage chronic conditions, as well as economic resources [10]. These women often have a decreased income upon spousal death, particularly if they had not been in paid employment for long and have no or little retirement savings. They are more likely to live in poverty than men or their married counterparts, and may suffer from financial and housing insecurity and reduced income despite maintained or increased expenses [11,12].
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3648377/
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Saw this in Guideposts June/July 2020:
Jonathan Merritt’s story, My Time of Suffering (June, July 2019), changed my life. Like him, I’d had chronic pain for years. Jonathan mentioned Dr. John Sarno and his theory that back pain and other chronic pain cam be partly caused by unresolved emotional issues. I looked up Dr. Sarno and bought his book Healing Back Pain.
What he wrote–that my mind was creating pain as a distraction from painful emotions–made sense to me. “God, you and I have this!” “There is no emotion, no thought, no memory that you and I can’t handle!” I took three steps Dr. Sarno recommended.
First I did something I thought I wouldn’t be able to do: push-ups against a countertop. Then I pictured my spine, muscles and tendons as strong and healthy. Finally I asked myself what I was feeling and thinking. The pain lessened unmistakably.
I’m now mostly pain-free, thanks to contemplative prayer and a lot of journaling. After more than 20 years of often debilitating pan, this new me feels miraculous. I can run. I can lift my grandchildren. I can kayak, bike, jump, bend and sit without pain. In February, I started a Mind Body Connection group at church, to help others the way Jonathan Merritt helped me. -Beverly White North Chesterfield, VA
See also: https://www.guideposts.org/faith-and-prayer/prayer-stories/power-of-prayer/the-role-of-faith-in-coping-with-chronic-pain
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